Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Bunnyphobia

Will and I have been enjoying Key & Peele lately.



This skit especially cracked me up tonight, mostly because I can totally relate to the hit man's reaction to the unexpected pigeon attack.  Tiny things might be harmless, but they sure as shit are freaky when they're coming at you.  I love this tough guy's reaction to the bird blast in his face.  I experienced a similar tiny terror tonight.

As soon as I walked though the door after work this evening Katie announced, "Mom.  We need to give Sawyer a bath.  She's rolled in something stinky again."

Great.

So we heaved this fifty pound old dog into our claw footed tub and gave her a good de-funking.  When it was time to let the dogs out after dinner, I made sure to go outside with them to supervise Sawyer so she didn't roll in something again and ruin her new dog smell.

It was dark, so I turned on the patio light.  Both dogs took off running toward the compost heap.

Great.

Within seconds a bunny darted out of a pile of sticks and ran across the yard, the dogs chasing behind it like the wild beasts they actually are and not the sweet, gentle souls I tell myself they are.  What was I thinking when I, a sensitive--OK, wussy--animal lover decided to get a beagle/lab mix?  I don't hunt.  For the most part, I like my dogs fat, warm, and lazy.  Which Sawyer is, mostly.  But occasionally we'll head to the dog park so Sawyer can take a swim in the lake and retrieve sticks we throw out there for her.  She was a puppy the first time I took her out there and she immediately began retrieving sticks from the water with no training from me.  She goes wild when we're walking around our subdued suburban neighborhood and she spots some roadkill in the middle of the road.  She pulls on my leash so hard I have to plant my feet firmly on the ground to keep her from running out in the middle of the street to rip flesh from whatever luckless animal got smashed out there.  My sweet Sawyer puppy is a natural born killer.

I shouted at the dogs to "Leave it!"  The one command I remember from the free puppy training class I got for my dog Earl when I was dating one of the employees of the doggy daycare that was hosting it.  Neither of them left it, nor did they stop chasing the poor rabbit.  I was just feeling good and sorry for it when suddenly it began to charge me.

I screamed.

At a bunny.  Yep, that was me if you heard it.  Those things are fast and freaky when they look like they're gonna come run up your leg.

I must have scared the poor thing, because when I screamed it immediately turned and sprinted toward another corner of the yard, the dogs trailing behind it.  They're old and they don't get startled by my screaming.  They're used to it by now, having lived with me and my severe musophobia.  Apparently now I can add bunnies to my list of stress triggers.  How pathetic is that?

Katie had already been tucked into bed for the night, but she suddenly appeared at the back door.

"What's wrong, Mama?"

"You could hear me scream?"  Even I was surprised by the strength of my vocal chords.

Katie nodded and wrapped her arms around herself to keep off the cold.

"Oh, nothing.  I screamed because a bunny was charging me," I said, walking into the house to tuck her back in.  Sawyer would be too preoccupied chasing the rabbit to roll in anything nasty before I got back to them.

"What's charging mean?" Katie asked, yawning.

"When something runs at you really fast."  I put my hand on her back to usher her along.

She stopped and gave me a strange look.  Then she laughed.  "You screamed because a bunny ran at you?"

"Hey, you don't know.  They're fast.  And jerky!"

I think Katie laughed herself to sleep tonight.  Hey man, at least Key & Peele understand, because my six year old sure doesn't.