Belong

Katie had over one of her best friends for a sleep over the other night.  This little girl is obsessed with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  When school was in session Katie would come home from time to time, telling me about how she got to play "Donnie Tello, because he's the smart one" with her friend during recess.  But Katie never showed much interest in TMNT until her friend slept over.

Will hooked them up with an old school Nintendo version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game on the TV in Katie's bedroom.   By the time Katie's friend left the next morning, Katie was jonesin' for more.  She stole my tablet and watched TMNT videos on YouTube until she was quoting from them as she acted out the dramas in our living room.

"Mom.  I only want green clothes from now on."

"Why?"

"Because green is my favorite color."

"Oh yeah?  Remember when your favorite color was blue?  When you were four?  And then you turned five and started kindergarten and you heard your friends say that blue is a boy color and so you changed your favorite color to pink?  But now you're changing your favorite color to green?  Now that you're almost seven, you've decided to try out a new favorite color?"

"Yep."

"Why can't you just say all colors are your favorite?"

"Because my favorite color is green!"

"I see.  So green is your favorite color now?"

"Yep."

"Because of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"

"Yes!  Mommy, did you know my two favorite things are green?  Link wears green in The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are green!"

"Well I can see why it's your favorite."

I'm not going to run out and buy her all new, green clothes, though.  A month from now she'll latch on to some other obsession.  I remember what that's like.  Getting Hollie Hobbie sheets for Christmas the year after your friends had all moved on to Barbie.  Bragging about your new Big Wheel when your neighbor got a new two-wheel bike with a banana seat and tassles on the handle bars.

The problem with Katie's new obsession is, now I've got this song stuck in my head:



It's not a bad song.  It's just not a song a 42 year-old mom can relate to.  I can to this day pop in a Smiths cassette (yes, I still have a boom box) and sing along with Morrissey about how heaven knows I'm miserable now, even though I'm not often miserable any more.  It's fun to relive my past, to remember my sullen teenage years with pride.  I was a brave girl.  I was awkward and different, but in the most endearing way now that I look back on it.  I want to go back in time and kiss my fourteen year old face.  I'd have to spit a glob of pancake makeup off my lips.  Note to fourteen year old self: no makeup is best!

The reason this song is stuck in my head is because Katie has played it a thousand times since she found it yesterday.  She raises the volume, holding the tablet on her knees as she sings along to the song:

I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think I've got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When you're spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
And staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid [repeat x5]

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I'm just a kid tonight

Lyrics source: azlyrics.com

Wow.  Those lyrics sound like something coming out of Morrissey's mouth inside my bedroom when I was fourteen, not six.  Dang, kids grow up fast these days.  I wasn't expecting to deal with depressive pop songs for at least eight more years.

I asked Katie, sitting on the futon part of her bunk bed in her room, why she likes this song so much.  She said this, which sums up pretty nicely why I layed on my bedroom floor listening to The Smiths for hours at a time:

"Because it makes me feel like I'm part of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle family."

We all want to belong to something.  I'm not often miserable any more for many reasons, but my favorite one is because I feel like I belong to Will and to Katie.