Tuesday, February 4, 2014

7 Reasons My Oven Hates Me: Cinnamon Rolls

I love cinnamon rolls.  I do not love cinnamon roll packages.

1.  This is why I'm a lousy cook.  I don't know which arrow to follow, the big red one or the curvy yellow one.  I must follow instructions in the kitchen or I don't know what I'm doing.  Who am I kidding?  I don't know what I'm doing even if I follow instructions.  At least I have a pretty coffee mug.

2.  See.  This is what happens when I try to follow instructions.  It says to pull the paper off til the tube pops.  I got no pop outta this tube.  Save me Buddy Christ! 

3.  Fortunately, I remembered the old spoon trick I learned from my mom when I was a kid.  Press the spoon along the seam and, finally, POP!  Unfortunately, I'm high-strung, so it's impossible not to jump when the tube finally pops.  No matter how much I clench my teeth and brace myself, the POP! still catches me off guard every time and I end up biting my tongue or something similarly stupid.

4.  Like dropping one of the cinnamon rolls onto the surface of the stove.  Then I have to start worrying about when was the last time we cleaned the stove top.  Ugh.

5.  But I figure the heat from the oven will kill the germs, so I roll it back up and set it in the pan next to its friends.  The directions say the rolls should all touch.  Am I doing it right?  It seems like there's too much room in the pan.  Do I need to watch a YouTube video on how to bake cinnamon rolls?  I'm not that pathetic, am I?

6.  The directions call for baking the cinnamon rolls at 400° for 20-26 minutes.  I like mine a little underdone, so I set the timer for 20 minutes.  They came out like this.  Overdone.  My oven hates me.  :(

7.  Fortunately, my seven-year-old loves me.  She comes to the rescue and globs a bunch of yummy cream cheese frosting on top of them, so they taste pretty good after all.  I eat them and vow next time to say "f-you" to the instructions and remember that our oven runs hot.