1. This is why I'm a lousy cook. I don't know which arrow to follow, the big red one or the curvy yellow one. I must follow instructions in the kitchen or I don't know what I'm doing. Who am I kidding? I don't know what I'm doing even if I follow instructions. At least I have a pretty coffee mug.
2. See. This is what happens when I try to follow instructions. It says to pull the paper off til the tube pops. I got no pop outta this tube. Save me Buddy Christ!
3. Fortunately, I remembered the old spoon trick I learned from my mom when I was a kid. Press the spoon along the seam and, finally, POP! Unfortunately, I'm high-strung, so it's impossible not to jump when the tube finally pops. No matter how much I clench my teeth and brace myself, the POP! still catches me off guard every time and I end up biting my tongue or something similarly stupid.
4. Like dropping one of the cinnamon rolls onto the surface of the stove. Then I have to start worrying about when was the last time we cleaned the stove top. Ugh.
5. But I figure the heat from the oven will kill the germs, so I roll it back up and set it in the pan next to its friends. The directions say the rolls should all touch. Am I doing it right? It seems like there's too much room in the pan. Do I need to watch a YouTube video on how to bake cinnamon rolls? I'm not that pathetic, am I?
6. The directions call for baking the cinnamon rolls at 400° for 20-26 minutes. I like mine a little underdone, so I set the timer for 20 minutes. They came out like this. Overdone. My oven hates me. :(
7. Fortunately, my seven-year-old loves me. She comes to the rescue and globs a bunch of yummy cream cheese frosting on top of them, so they taste pretty good after all. I eat them and vow next time to say "f-you" to the instructions and remember that our oven runs hot.
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