Sunday, January 26, 2014

Michael Getting Married

My ex-boyfriend, Michael, got married yesterday.  I found out about it on Facebook this morning.  One of Michael's friends shared some photos of the event.  I'm not friends with the guy who shared the photos, but since he tagged Michael in the photos, I guess, they showed up in my newsfeed.  I don't quite understand computer algorithms.

I don't quite understand human relationships either.  Relationships are so weird.  Our connections to others elicit such powerful emotions.  Here some stranger shared a photo of Michael and his bride and in that moment I first saw it I smiled and my heart swelled with joy.  Thanks, Stranger!

Which reminds me.  Back when Michael and I were dating, in the late Nineties when I was 28 and he was 26, I asked what his favorite book is.  Without hesitation he answered, "The Stranger by Camus".  And he pronounced it "Cam-oo" like you're supposed to, even.  I was wildly impressed with Michael's answer.  I'm sapiosexual by nature, so big brains turn me on.

I broke up with Michael because another person's big brain had captured my attention, and even though the love was unrequited, I felt like I was cheating on Michael by being in love with someone else while we were dating, and I'm just not a cheater, so I broke up with him.  He was such a nice guy.  And many times over the years after I left him, I questioned my decision.

Then I met Will and we got married and I know I made the right decision.  Sometimes, when you follow your heart and not your head (break up with a wonderful man because another man who cannot return your love is the one you can't stop thinking of) it works out.  The more I follow my intuition and not what society tells me is the right thing to do, the better choices I make.

When I saw the photos of my ex's wedding, instead of feeling jealous, I beamed.  I was so surprised.  Surprised at my joy for them and surprised at my lack of jealousy.  I hadn't known Michael was getting married.  He looks so happy.  They both look happy, and I don't even know her.  I love to see someone I love look happy, but this kind of feeling goes beyond the happiness you feel for someone you've once been intimate with.  When you see someone you don't know who has now married your ex boyfriend and she looks happy and your heart fills with joy, that's love.

I love my husband immensely.  I understand now what people who have been happily paired up mean when they call their partner their "better half".  I don't think single people are not whole.  I don't think a person has to be part of a romantic duo to attain happiness.  When I was single it annoyed me when someone called someone else their better half.  It sounded weak and vulnerable.  But now that I've been with Will for more than a decade it really does feel like we've blended and it doesn't creep me out to think of him as my better half.

And yet my love for my husband does not impede my love for others.  I vowed to remain loyal to my husband and I won't cheat on him.  I have no interest in a physical relationship with another person.  But I think it's healthy for me to admit my love for others.  Because love is not about being possessive.  Love really is about wanting what's best for others.

Because I love my ex-boyfriend Michael, I know I was not what was best for him.  I'm happy to see he has found someone who is.