QAnon Shaman Jake Angeli to host third reboot of The Biggest Loser, unreliable sources say [satire]

This just in, Trump TV has brokered a deal with USA Network to hire Jake Angeli, aka the QAnon Shaman, to host a third reboot of The Biggest Loser, one of reality TV's most lucrative franchises.

 

An ureliable source tells us the idea came to President Trump after staffers read him a quote from Angeli’s mother, Martha Chansley.

 

"He gets very sick if he doesn't eat organic food—literally will get physically sick," the suspect's mother explained.

 

Angeli refuses to eat while being held in federal custody.

 

Another unreliable source has retrieved a leaked document from the Trump Administration, which appears to be a script. Here is the full transcript:

 

Episode 1: After a physically demanding insurrection workout, Jake demands organic-only food as he recharges in federal custody.

 

Meanwhile, Ku Klux Klan members challenge The Proud Boys, Anti-Vaxers, and QAnon supporters to lose ten pounds by Inauguration Day.

 

Klan Member 1: “This was not the year to buy the new slim cut robes with the face-hugging hood. As it is now, I can’t be seen wearing it. Not that I’m not a proud white power fighter. I just can’t even! If any pictures of my fat face get leaked to the public. Ugh! Eight days. That’s all I need to fast so my cheeks will be nice and hollow for the Insurrection Day red carpet on January 20.”

 

QAnon Supporter: “Same, girl! We might be opponents on this Biggest Loser challenge, but I feel you. I can barely show my face in public too. Not that I’m ashamed of being outed as a white supremacist. What I’m ashamed of is this pandemic-15 that’s all gone to my ass. Thank God the pedophiles picked a pizza joint to run their satanic cabal. It’s really helped my willpower to stay away from all those carbs and grease.”